


A Vision of Us

by jeweledleaves



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Loss of Virginity, Porn, Porn with some plot, a little dubcon in the beginning, but it is resolved, some violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-24
Updated: 2016-05-24
Packaged: 2018-06-10 13:10:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6957823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeweledleaves/pseuds/jeweledleaves
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Warning: This made me sad to write.</p>
<p>You love Ben Solo. You love him. Why can't you save him?</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Vision of Us

Okay. Concentrate. 1.2.3. You repeated to yourself in your head, over and over, trying to capture the lesson of the day. You were attempting to levitate.

You frowned.

What normally came easily to you seemed so difficult today. The force was something you lived and breathed, normally you’d lift off of the ground as easy as a cloud on a summer’s day.

You sighed, reclining yourself on the cool marble floor of your room.

You needed to see Ben.

Well, you wanted to see him, at least.

He had been gone two long weeks, off working with Senator Organa, his mother. In the meantime, you had to continue your Jedi training, clearly underperforming without the influence of the star pupil of the program.

What was even worse is that you were sure that Master Luke had caught on to the fact that your focus was slipping.

It wasn’t your fault! Ben was your friend, and for you to develop feelings for him was only natural. Just as natural as the force, or breathing. The only difference was that your infatuation with him was forbidden.

You were both at that age, as your mother would have said.

But you didn’t have your mother anymore. You had this place, you had your own budding powers.

Which meant you were navigating whatever this was alone.

Which was whatever.

You knew there were rules. You followed the rules. You didn’t break the rules. You helped bring light back to the galaxy. You crushed the dark under your heel.

Something like that.

It wasn’t like Ben even noticed how you felt.

Oh no. He had to be oblivious. Because it seemed that everyone knew but him. Luckily you hadn’t’ ever verbalized it, or you would be looking at a reprimand.

You felt too hot.

Like everything was on fire.

You closed your eyes. Hoping to steady your breath. Letting the darkness of sleep overtake you. Maybe you could take a nap.

Perhaps you did doze off.

You squirmed, the cool floor seemed chilly all the sudden on your burning skin. It felt like you were frozen. Something heavy sitting on your chest. You were somewhere else. You couldn’t move.

A vision.

_People were screaming._

_Children._

_Bodies everywhere. The acrid coppery smell of smoke and blood_

_Something red and crackling right by your ear._

_A familiar voice-_

You sat up, gasping and clutching at your chest.

 

The sun in the sky had sunk, and dust lit up your room with an eerie purple glow.

You knew in your chest that Ben had returned.

 _________________________________________________

 

It had been three days. You knew he was there, but you hadn’t seen him.

To add on to the air of intrigue, Master Luke had also vanished. Leaving you and a few of the other older teens to take over training of the younglings. It wasn’t rare for him to do it, just out of the ordinary for it to happen so abruptly. He normally at least gave a warning.

There was no word that Ben was actually here. You just…couldn’t shake the feeling.

You wandered the halls at night. Trying to get a read of the air.

Something bad had happened. You knew it.

You kept reaching out for Ben. Whispering through the tendrils of the force. Trying to figure out where he was, if he was there at all.

You’d never been wrong before.

You were unfocused. You had yelled at a student today, completely out of character and had to pull them aside and comfort them later. Jedi were supposed to feel calm, a soft breeze on a warm day. You felt like the ocean in a storm.

It was like you were in a fog. You hadn’t been sleeping because-

Because every time you closed your eyes you had that vision. _The blood, the pain_. It came rushing back to you, forcing you to relive the future over and over again.

And every night you hear his voice. Your savior, your damnation.

______________

You opened the door to your room. Exhausted, and just out of the refresher, hoping to the Light that you would be able to get some sleep.

But when you walked in you were greeted by the sight of Ben Solo himself, sitting on your bed like he hadn’t been gone at all.

You froze.

He was exactly the same as when he had left. The same tousled hair. The same vest that matched his father. Those same freckles and dark eyes. There was nothing about him that was different.

But everything had changed.

His eyes didn’t sparkle, he seemed stiff. You took a step towards him.

“Ben?” your voice was unsure, but you stepped closer, reaching for him.

He reached you first, pulling you into his lap, murmuring your name softly as he held you.

“Ben what’s wrong?” You asked. Your voice muffled in his chest. You were clinging to him, desperate for any indication that he was back and wasn’t going to leave again. He tightened his arms around you.

“I’ve felt you all week.” His hot breath was in your ear, and you squirmed under the contact. “reaching for me, begging for me to find you.”

“B-Ben, I-I.” You were suddenly aware of your position, of the fact you were straddling him, and you felt mortified. What if someone were to walk in, one of the younglings or-

“Shhh…” Ben placed a kiss onto your neck, making you shudder.

“What happened, Ben? “You asked again, gasping as he bit into your collar bone, feeling his teeth dig into your flesh “A-Ah...” You winced in pain as he pulled away, knowing there would be a nasty bruise there within the hour. This wasn’t your Ben.

“We don’t need to talk about it.” His eyes seemed lighter all the sudden, not their natural dark brown, your own eyes widened in fear.

“Ben?” He was pushing you onto the bed, towering over your form.

“I said we didn’t need to talk about it.” His tone was harsh and he grabbed your wrists with equal roughness. You winced. “It doesn’t matter what my parents say, it doesn’t matter what Luke says, they don’t understand.” You were cowering on your bed, trying to shrink yourself. You knew Ben could get angry sometimes but you had never seen him this angry. His eyes seemed to glow with fury. “This order doesn’t understand, they don’t understand our legacy, my _family’s_ legacy. They are just bringing more disorder to the universe.” You felt tears prickle at your eyes, his fingers were still digging into your skin.

“O-okay Ben.” You stuttered, terror in your heart. You could see it in his eyes, you could feel the red glow, the crackle, you could smell the blood. It was him. _It was him._

You knew he saw it too.

He released your hands like they were fire, his eyes wide, you took the time to scoot yourself into a corner on your bed, drawing your knees to your chest.

“N-No.” He says, his voice pained. “No, its not true…I’m not…I haven’t.” He was reaching for you again, and you flinched. You could see the sorrow in his eyes even as your body shrank from his.

“I would never hurt you like that.” He whispers, encircling your body with his own, his large arms embracing you fully. “I couldn’t do that to you….to the younglings.” His voice was quaking, like he was trying to convince himself he wouldn’t take that step. “I don’t understand what is going on.” You could feel his tears falling onto your face, your arms snaked around his waist. “There is darkness in me that I can’t seem to get rid of, there are these voices-”

“Ben, no, I know you wouldn’t” You respond, refusing to allow him to elaborate, to bring himself back into the darkness. Untangling yourself from him to look at his face you stared, needing to see his eyes. Feeling relief when you saw they were back to dark brown. “I…I don’t know what is happening, Ben, but I know you wouldn’t hurt all those people.” You stroked his cheek, brushing the tears away, you had to be strong for him, even though you were afraid. “Whatever this is, whatever is happening, you will do the right thing Ben, you are strong in the light.” He was clutching you, he had buried his face into your neck again but this time he was sobbing. You were rubbing his back, letting the companion of your childhood confide in you.

You knew there was darkness in Ben, there was darkness in all of you, really. But it was your job as Jedi to protect the light, to foster the light. You knew there was more light than dark in Ben Solo.

Even if his grandfather had been such a dark man, even if his family was so dysfunctional.

Ben had always been your light.

“I love you Ben Solo.” You blurted out, with all the rash emotion that comes with being an 18-year-old on the verge of adulthood. “I-I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how I can help, but I’ll do anything.” He pulled away from you, eyes red.

“You love me?” He asked again, a look of shock on his face, as though he had never considered it a true possibility. You nodded.

The next thing you knew he was pressing his lips against yours, moving them in a rhythm that took the breath out of your throat. Your hands were at his waist, tugging up his shirt hungrily. You needed Ben. You _needed_ him.

You had seen it before. On your home planet. A cold and miserable place that had claimed three of your siblings to a rough winter before you were taken to become a Jedi. You had seen what it looked like for a couple to come together, for their bodies to join as one.

You craved that.

He helped you tug off his shirt, you admired his body, the freckles that covered his chest, placing a kiss onto his chest. “You are so beautiful.” You whispered, glancing up at his face, he seemed struck by your adoration of him. He sat up, pulling you into a seated position with him. You pulled your own shirt off in a fluid motion, the fact that you lacked a chest covering made obvious quickly by your free breasts.

“I’m beautiful?” He asked, trailing a hand down your chest, ghosting over one of your sensitive nipples.

“Yes.” You replied, meaning it deep down.

“How fair is it for a goddess to find a mortal beautiful?” His voice was deep, heady, laced with need. You could see the bulge forming in his pants. A thrill buried itself in your stomach.

“W-What?” A blush dusted your cheeks as he tilted you back tugging your underclothes off in a fluid motion, leaving you exposed to him.

Only to him. _Only ever him._

You knew he could hear your thoughts, hear you wanton want for him, and he could see how eager your body was.

“How am I doing this to you?” he wondered along, letting his hands roam his body. “How long have you wanted me?”

“Forever.” You responded, undoing the tie on his pants, allowing him to remove the rest of his clothing.

“Forever” He parroted, lowering you back onto the bed.

Then it was just you and him. Naked. It felt like the entire room was buzzing with the force.

There was no way that they all didn’t know.

Master Luke had to feel it.

They all had to feel the energy coming from the two of you as you knowingly got ready to break a cardinal rule of the Jedi.

His hand brushed your sex with a soft touch, stopping on your little nub. The place you knew from your own bodily explorations to cause great pleasure. You arched your back, pressing closer to him. “O-Oh, Ben.” You gasped. “Touch me there again.” He complied, massaging it as your soft gasps turned into moans. He slid a finger against your entrance, looking to you for approval.

You nodded shivering at the unexpected sensation of his rough fingers inside of you, so different from your own. You bucked your hips against his hand, as he placed another kiss on your lips, on your forehead, on your cheeks. He was calling you all sorts of names, his princess, his queen, his goddess, his Padme. You tried to push back the implications of that last statement.

He was also steadily working at his own member with his free hand, abruptly stopping his pleasuring of you, removing his hand and licking up at your own juices on his fingers.

You watched him with heavy lidded eyes, your body singing for his touch. He parted your legs further, allowing his body to nestle between them.

“Are you sure about this?” He questioned, his deep dark eyes gazing into your own with unmasked lust.

“Yes Just- please yes.” You responded, your own mind barely functioning. He needed to be inside of you right now. “I need you Ben.”

He pushed into you, slowly, knowing some things about young women and their first times, information given to him by his father, you assumed. Your breath caught in your throat and you gripped at the sheets of your bed tightly. It _stung_ , he pushed his face in your neck, nipping at your throat, trying to draw your attention away from what he was doing. You cried out, trying to muffle the sound with the back of your hand.

“Should I keep going?”

“Y-yes, Ben. Please, keep going.” You felt so full, you could feel him adjusting his body, picking up a rhythm. Your body responded naturally, and soon the pain fell away to pleasure. You hook your legs around his waist, drawing him closer to you.

“A-Ah, Yes, Ben, O-Oh, please, faster.” You were begging him, trying to push yourself as close to him as possible.

“You’re so tight.” Ben moaned against your neck, complying with your request to speed up. His hand was on your nub again, rubbing it in rhythm to his thrusts.

“O-Oh.” You gasped, something was happening, a coil in your stomach wound tighter and tighter, you gripped at his skin, finding purchase on his shoulders, clutching your body against his, letting him rock into you.

Suddenly an explosion, you tightened against him, pulling the both of you into release.

It was like nothing you could have ever imagined.

Bursts of color.

You swore the force became for a moment a tangible thing as his body and yours became one.

He held you to him, drawing you closer even as he pulled out of your body.

You snuggled against him, nothing spoken, letting sleep take the both of you.

____________

In the morning you woke up alone.

It was strange, you thought to yourself, to feel so empty after you had been so full.

You clutched your pillow, curling into a ball.

He had never said he loved you.

You could feel it, just beyond the door, in a future not too far ahead.

_The burning red of the light saber in your flesh and his body towering over you._

Saying those words that he had he left unspoken last night.

**Author's Note:**

> So I've been working on this on and off for a week and some days. Its just a short little smut fic, but the kind of smut that makes you sad at the end.
> 
> I wanted it to be a more joyful work in the beginning. But Ben Solo angst overpowered me.


End file.
